when self-loathing is involved, I feel like I could get
that department award. Although i stood up and gave a toast that moved some people to tears at our "elegant and indulgent" art history banquet, I did not get the department award for the best thesis. That's not to say that I even deserved it and the girl who did receive the award wrote a really brilliant paper about Frederick Church and American landscape painting. She's definitely worthy, I am happy for her, and she's not my rival, so I have a lot of respect for her and couldn't reasonably argue I was more deserving than she... but there's something about sinking a year into something, working damn hard, losing sleep and feeling good about something that was close to the best I could have done... and to know that other people are capable of better, it's a hard pill to swallow.
I had a good time at this dinner but it's been a steady decline from that point. Had nice talks with my professors, carried the dinner discussion between four professors and two of my quieter classmates, good food, everyone looked nice... Once I came home I called my mother and was still doing okay, but apparently the rest my friends all decided to go out - to a place without a phone and that doesn't get cell reception - without me. I feel like I am the victim of some inconsiderate people (who may read this at a later date and only fell half-bad in retrospect but they should feel awful for not being there when I need them!) - and maybe whereas I might have come home from this dinner and enjoyed myself at the pub crawl etc... a few hours of self-loathing and a few tears makes going out and being cheery just about the last thing I want to do. Maybe I will just lay down, again... blah, I am just feeling sorry for myself and it's my own damn fault but the night is probably a wash at this point. Big day tomorrow anyway.
In general, the last few days have been extremely odd. In terms of artifice and the way things look from the exterior, nothing looks wrong, I've actually had a few nice days of adults and other people giving me compliments and those adults with whom I have discussed my future seem so overwhelmingly positive - the Watson lady, Professors, my Dean friends...everyone has a lot of confidence in me to just go out and decide whatever it is I want to do. Inside, I'd say that things are borderline falling apart. It's just an emotional week in a lot of ways and I am sort of stuck in the middle of it all as not getting the nice part of closure from graduation - but lingering, of not getting to do the same thing at the same time as my friends, and yeah I probably wouldn't trade this for the amazing fall that I am going to have, but for the time being it's like being a misfit and that never feels
right. That, and I don't know what I am going to do with my life, where I am going - it's unsettling, and at this point, it's even too abstract to worry about. But weighing practicality, happiness, geographic preferences, and trying to project how to make myself happy and satisfied in 30 years... while still taking care of the general (proximate) problems of loan payments and
becoming something. Generally speaking, my leadership style is weak because I don't see a lot of room for blanket consistency. (Judicial Council has helped me with this). I like to make decisions as I have to, on a case by case basis. I think that every decision has a million mitigating circumstances and what might be the right decision now, won't be in a similar situation 5 years or 3 months down the line. So I don't know, I am pretty confused about a lot of things - and sitting down and making a list of my priorities or my goals would be so scattered and contradictory, who knows what good that would be.
Despite the number of occassions that might be a close second, my romantic life has never been more dysfunctional than it has been in the past few months. For a long time, I liked to blame my erratic and non-functioning romantic life on Middlebury and the lack of dating culture, or my busy schedule that made relationships a chronic backburner item, but I am beginning to realize that despite those excuses, it's me, and I have no idea how to deal with this because my lack of ability to communicate or express my feelings has only made it worse. for such a reasonable and I'd like to say capable and pretty normal person, this is one part of me that I've never been able to shake the kinks out, and whereas before I just accepted this and thought it had a lot to do with being too young or busy or goal-orientated, I get flashes when I don't think I know myself at all, or I do and it's not the person I thought I was. This is all pretty esoteric and personal rambling, I just can't help it right now. Sometimes I get down on myself for being too old, talking things to seriously - and then there comes a time when I realize how vulnerable and incapable of being an adult I am... or I'll just go on being professionally successful and never deal with my issues.
John called from Paris tonight and I was glad he did, I think I needed someone with a little empathy and he's always good at that when I need him to be.
Paris is a long way from here, and even September feels a long way from here... I don't know, I think I am going to lay down again and just try to go to bed, I can't deal with tonight anymore, good advice little sister.
posted by lmjasinski at 11:21 PM
