Look with your eyes, not with your hands.


Such a minute fraction of this life do we live: so much is sleep, tooth-brushing, waiting for mail, for metamorphosis, for those sudden moments of incandescence: unexpected, but once one knows them, one can live life in the light of their past and the hope of their future.



A grad student muses on her life, film, friends, politics, reality televizzle, and music.

 
Tinges of Anxiety

With midterms fast approaching, it means I am that much closer to the middle and in effect, that much closer to the end. So for better or worse, today I am stuck thinking about what that means on a rainy day and choosing to telecommute my responsibilities. I guess the ironic thing is this - I never get to suck up a lot of the resources here - lectures, a library of books and magazines, free (great) films every night... but once I get booted I have to go home where there is nothing pressing to concern me, nothing is half as interesting, and I'll resound myself to the game show network and watching the same movies over and over again on the myriad of HBOs Mom and Dad pump in for my viewing pleasure.

I am worried about what happens when I stop going to class. Other friends were anxious for graduation and freedom and breaking off the shackles of this institution (to invariably end up in another) and never look back. I guess I just don't know what to do with myself. I've watched myself in the summers and well, I give into temptation easily. So many times I'd rather do nothing, or just can't help it. so now is the point where I officially start freaking out. Stress and impending change do weird things to different people. I just ordered about 20 books on new media and cyberculture from inter library loan thinking that if I get these, photocopy what looks interesting, I'll have a default plan for what to do with myself. I've already made the decision that I want to enroll in a class in web design immediately so at least I can have a "fun" and practical project to fiddle with when I am absolutely going out of my mind.
But aside from that (and of course checking the mail every day for my grad school notices) I don't have anything lined-up. I ought to and will get a job of some sort, some bullshit 8-4:30 deal to actually make money for once, but I haven't thought about that any more than the abstract notion of "Yes, I'll have a job." No one's offered, if you were curious.

Moving home again is a paradigm shift. I haven't lived there for three years. I just don't know. this sucks.
posted by lmjasinski at 1:17 PM