At least the welcome was warm
On the verge of poignancy through another stream of conscious stream of associations, images, sounds, daydreams. I don't know exactly what I want to say or how I want to say it, too much in queue, my ride back from Boston hit rock bottom dreadful 12 miles from Middlebury when I couldn't endure the snow anymore or the fright of what was to come if I descended snakey Bread Loaf road - thus I had to back track 30 miles to take the much longer route up through Rutland (45 miserable miles from Midd) - an additional two hours tacked on the end of a long five day break, but I am certain I made the right call and I am never attempting that mountain in the snow, way to go conservative practical sense, too much of a pain but it's just too damn dangerous sometimes. Talking myself down, tapping the breaks - I hate driving. When I am angry or upset I of course need an external agent to blame because it's never my fault. Today I am picking on the Romans for divising such a shitty calendar and effectually making Thanksgiving a winter holiday.
Even though some of my best girlfriends are of the male persuasion, they get the job done. Following my near death experience, I noshed and gabbed with Yoshi and Jeremy at the grille and it was just what I needed. In perspective, Jeremy had a far worse existential ordeal than I did upon his return, I can't even begin to do his topsy-turveiness justice. But he says it best when he says he doesn't understand this spaceship earth. I am inclined to agree with Yoshi that the finest thing in life is to make a fire in your fireplace to dry your wet socks sitting beside a gray cat. Jeremy was on the fringe of making a very convincing argument about peaceful societies as communal living villages in Africa where people do little more than cook and keep a clean house, I am sure it'll be ready for display soon enough. He's very good at pushing aside everything that is unnecessarily taxing and bad for one's health too. Dan came to see me - all spiffed up for
his little friend who in the end skipped out on class today - the perfect mix of business and pleasure. I am glad to see that someone has figured out a life plan projecting a whole two years into the future. Pretty good for an indecisive about everything, still
undeclared in his 6th semester, redhead.
Today was one of those days when I realized how much I have to think about, and even my six hours alone in the car didn't suffice. not even close.
Sadly, like most things that seem good from far away, MIT actually has some strings attached - namely the fact that there will be a hacking cleavage between me and my peers if I become a CMS-er. The worst thing is that I still think I have a fighting chance, the lecture I went to today on auteur theory and Foucault was the most accessible presentation of obtuse postmodernism I've ever heard -- but I just have some hesitation (quality of life hesitation) about a program where a 22-yr old white girl from New England counts for diversity. I don't know, I think I got some good direction for my personal statement and it was probably a good thing that I went and saw what a program geared toward "slightly more mature professionals" looks like instead of just sitting in my room and deciding that it is obviously not that big of a factor in my Hamlet decision:
to attend or not to attend. I still don't know if the decision is mine to make, but its all the more real now, and although memory plays favorites and isn't always the most reliable of pals (as Carrie Bradshaw might say, memory can sometimes be a
frienemy) now I can't feign ignorance and complain that I didn't know what I was getting myself into. In a surprisingly well timed sidebar observation, upon my return and between trips in from the car, John shared with me some Poe he was reading, namely this premise of the
perverse imp. From my understanding, this is the phenomenom where we do things we know is wrong or bad for us and the appeal lies in the danger. As an extreme example, Poe says that if you are standing alone on the verge of a gorge and no one is there to hold back your arm, you'd jump because you know you aren't suppose to and that it is certainly the opposite of what you should do in that situation. Maybe my cautious turning back down the snowy mountain road suggests that Poe is wrong about human nature, but maybe he's only wrong when your survival or mortality are in order, in other smaller matters, I frequently throw better judgment out the window and play the perverse imp. In many ways grad school is the next big test to see how effectively I can take competiting views into consideration and emerge the victor of the better decision. And no matter what Poe says, I am not over that gorge alone, although this decision remains mine to make, it won't be made in a vacuum. Someone will catch me before I fall.
And alas, there is more, and I am tired so let's leave it brief and cryptic, shall we? It's colder than I feared. I think today I cleared another of those important adult rites of passage that signify a transition between college and post college-life, and it was better than I remembered. Taking stock of my drooping self, in terms of practical productive behavior, I wrote three Christmas cards and read 15 pages and edited one grad school essay this break. I have three books to finish reading this week. I didn't do my Bible paper and firstly, no one literate (or illiterate for that matter) understands the assignment. I just dropped another advil on the floor behind my desk, I swear there is a pharmacy back there, and I am getting the family cold that everyone else had on Thanksgiving. Katie's apartment is queen cozy and route 9 is a pain. Peter Gabriel has a new album. The most entertaining thing I've seen in a while were the
highly scientific hearing tests my parents gave the dog to see if he is deaf - note to future children - please - when I am old, don't clap at me and stare to watch for my reaction, and if nothing else, don't repeat this for three days to look for changing results. Since it is ripe and nouveau, I picked up some beaujolais nouveau. Justin joined the 23 club. Simon and Garfunkle said it best:
I'm dappled and drowsy and ready to sleep .
posted by lmjasinski at 12:38 AM
