Look with your eyes, not with your hands.


Such a minute fraction of this life do we live: so much is sleep, tooth-brushing, waiting for mail, for metamorphosis, for those sudden moments of incandescence: unexpected, but once one knows them, one can live life in the light of their past and the hope of their future.



A grad student muses on her life, film, friends, politics, reality televizzle, and music.

 
Things are about to get interesting... right about now

Okay, for all of my readers who have supported me through the slow going and sludgy period that began somewhere in November, the ride just got bumpy. Before I begin wailing, I want to give a shout out to my sis and applaud her on her long overdue return to blogging. She's a swell kid, read her. She's entirely too self-effacing, by the way.

I am perched to make a decision - I need to call and get all of the kinks worked out in the NYU deal and maybe do a little bidding to see if they can't give me a little more (no matter what they have already given me, I assure you, it's not enough). Eh, I guess every girl needs to ask herself at some point in her life if she's more bright lights big city or the opposite of that. Up until this point, I have been lousy at answering that question. I've split my time in isolated Vermont and bustling lower Manhattan. I just have so much running through my head and there's no time to consider all of the options. I mean you get to a certain point and you want to take all of the nuances under consideration, but it's so hard to pick "a" or "b" when there are some really important things "a" can do that "b" just can't.... while you still are charmed by "b." I guess this is what I always liked about debate, you rarely have to do that, you just sit and talk and make lists and give reasons - but it's not like a real policy ever gets inacted or a country goes to war.

Some of the lessons I've learned from undergrad that make this decision more difficult - loans are lousy. I learned the first time around that just because something is more expensive, doesn't necessarily mean it's the best, so I think in looking toward grad school, financial concerns factor in prominently rather than when I was 18 and didn't care about pricetags, only brand names. I realize now that I could have been happy anywhere. I loved Midd and it was good to me, so I don't mind shelling out monthly payments forever, but I don't need to learn this lesson again. Second: environments matter less when you are a student. Fact of the matter being, if I survived four years at Midd and never regretted not going abroad, I can survive anywhere. When days are long and there are enough academic deadlines to keep you in a haze - only the little things matter, like a good cup of coffee, a few all-night enclaves, and a few reliable take out places. When you are talking New York, my point here is that being a student in New York makes lots of great resources accessible, but if you are reading constantly and preparing for class, it's not the same as going to the Met every afternoon or out for happy hour at Rodeo. Here's the problem I am facing most - I can't rule out place. What I like about NYU is that the curriculum takes my interests into account a little more - they offer courses in video art, don't require so much Hollywood stuff, and incorporate more media stuff. I feel like I've already made a dent in the NY film world and it can only continue to yield good things. My last night in Madison, I think I realized a difference and something I can't have in Madison. I finally found the other avant garde person in the department and we were talking about the Invisible Cinema at Anthology Film Archives in the 1960s. It's really cool, check out the link and the history. Ted makes reference to it in My Reel Story. Here's the difference - if I end up in New York, it's not just the school, it is becoming part of the culture. It is being able to write memoirs and write about going to the Invisible Cinema and getting a jump on the life - so much of curatorial stuff is personality and shared friendships that span well beyond the boundaries of careers, it is having a slice of collective memory handed to you after more time in that infectious city. I guess here's the other incompatibility. Wisconsin breeds academics for the most part. They breed good scholars, they leave the nest and immediately get tenure jobs. Only, I don't want a tenure job - I want to be there when the Gugg goes knocking at Shanghai's door and wants someone to schedule the film series. I don't know - because I can't deal with a tremendous load of new loans and I don't want to delluse (the verb of dellusion?) myself into thinking that there is any science to this - like a certain outcome can only come if I go one place or another. I feel emotionally invested in Wisconsin and it is not hard to imagine myself there because all of the details have been sharpened - and because, I can see myself there, happy. Eh, I need to **work** tomorrow, but with any luck, I will have Wednesday off - if that's the case, I am on the next train headed for New York and I am going to figure out what in the hell I am going to do with my life. I have seven days in which to decide. And so much of NYU is speculation when it comes to the school, what doesn't jump off the webpage is idealized like anything described from afar and never seen up close. In a lot of ways, I am glad to have factored MIT out, having looked around, I realize now, there is very little there that lines up with the Lisa Jasinski agenda. I think it's harder to tell the party line now more than ever before.

Of course, impeccible timing, I watched the classic "The Graduate" for the first time this afternoon. This actually helps my situation a little - because, at least metaphorically, I am drifting in a pool and continually answering the question "what's next." There are some obvious differences between me and Dustin Hoffman, although, interestingly, we're the same height, anywhoo... I don't have a flashly little red fiat and I don't bang old dudes secretly in the night - but I guess I do sort of drift off into dialogue-free sequences with Simon and Garfunkle playing on repeat. I guess I need to meet my Elaine Robinson in that, I need to find the thing I am most passionate about, set out with full intentions and refuse to leave until I get it. Lightning better strike fast. I am a little pissed at the fates right now because I can't default to my favorite line of logic in this situation - you can't just sit back, idle, and just say, things happen for a reason. Reason unbeknownst to me, two things have have happenned and I am at a loss. Help me. Chime in friends.
posted by lmjasinski at 11:48 PM