Benign Neglect
Count down is in
full effect and with a quick week left in the Eastern time zone, I am off, doting, being the Queen of Wishful-thinking in just visualizing all of my tasks doing themselves. We're talking serious procrastination at this point and not making any strides toward reversing this trend. But anyway, another night slips away and I am equally as unprepared as I was in mid-April to make a huge honking move.
Another week over... and saying goodbye to two jobs. I held off on any overly sentimental goodbyes because I need to pick up paychecks next week and that will allow the real time for closure. We're also planning a real Club CC send-off next week, so although I finish my last shift tomorrow, this virus will linger a little longer. It's nice to be free of employment obligations... even though I had a very nice time having drinks with various co-workers and my sister the other night and manage to find a little fun in all of the apparent misery.
With some **freedom** on my hands, I've decided to make use of the time and really get in gear for my move, by of course escaping one last time, back to my New York for a weekend (and now a weekend plus) of fun with my favorite cohorts this side of the Mississip'. I really don't have much of a plan this weekend, but this is a time reserved more for people and company than sights and eats. Even though the control freak in me hasn't had a chance to stretch lately, I like not having to see this trip through and be the pivotal center for all action and activity. I am just showing up and the wrinkles will iron themselves out. I have a backup place to sleep and plenty of friends to fill my last hours (there is an eerie feeling of this last weekend of something akin to a death rower's last meal), so no matter what happens, I just have an assurance that things will work out � and if not, I�ve spent plenty of time sitting, happily, on a bench with the New York Times to know that I can do it again. And proof again that most things are best put off until the eleventh hour, I'll basically conquer the mess and the chaos when I get back from my playtime.
Now I am just bothered with being tired and having a headache on account of the tiredness... it leaves little energy for being productive and just enough to whine a bit more before calling it a night and wading through inches of clutter to find my bed. I just have this dreadful feeling that once I get back from New York, the remaining days will feel like the morning of a debate trip - if you've ever seen me running -- literally running, garment bags and books draping from limbs, losing important papers and driving directions between one hand and another, and all the while talking on a cell phone, swearing, swearing an awful lot, on three hours of sleep, rifling through coat pockets and purses looking for� -- then you can imagine it. If you haven�t seen it first hand, then, there you go. I hate to feel like I am always rushing to get big projects together and get out of the door on time, and this whole move is already taking on the character of a cold raining morning when getting up and showered, and dressed, in the usual amount of time seems absolutely immoral and impossible. It reminds me of a trip to London where I just finally cracked a guidebook and a city map half-way through my trans-Atlantic flight or countless finals and midterms where I found myself awake at dawn cramming Architects and dates, just barely surviving on coffee and prescription study aids. I make lists in my head and don�t really think about what I am going to say until it�s coming out of my mouth� if there�s a resolution I really wish I could stick to it would be to have a better sense of planning and patience, so that I might actually be prepared instead of good-enough-off-the-cuff to impressively scrape by time and time again without anyone catching on to my under-preparedness and over-tiredness.
I put too much blind faith in too many things in my life - for example, that I am uprooting my life and just assuming that I'll take to new soil, or that my academic career will find a niche, or that security, and romance, and financial debt will all become not only solvent, but flourish. When tested, in moments such as these with godly feats and mortal strength (to really over dramatize this), I guess this is when you learn the most about yourself. To boil down the conclusion, it seems like I am a hurried, optimistic, procrastinating pack rat, but then again, what else is new...
posted by lmjasinski at 12:26 AM
