Remote Locales
I am blogging from home, and again, I am left without the ability to instanteously publish. Lately, telecommunications are almost more trouble than they are worth � and please note that I say almost, because I am not at a point where I am ready to give up my �connectedness� and go off and live deliberately in the woods or anything that Emersonian.
I am cracking open a beer to celebrate finally finishing this round of grading for the last pesky set of papers. The worst thing about this class is that it is mandated that they turn in a rough draft, I give them comments, and then they re-submit the work for a grade. It�s exhausting. I get through one batch of 30 drafts and the very next day they start turning in the final drafts. Thankfully, the work doesn�t change drastically and I already have a ballpark idea of the grade, just the same, it is double duty and exhausting (for both me and them). And if I write one more time �It�s = It is, and Its = Possessive,� I swear, my hand will fall off.
I am just taking a breather before I start in on the narrative paper. I have taken many pages of handwritten notes, and now that I�ve talked to my professor to get a little more advice / direction, I can at the very least, start transcribing those into a word document. I always think it is easier to revise than write � so my first goal is just to get some words on the page and then worry about connecting ideas and sustaining coherence.
I don�t think I�ve earned my grad student colors yet. I think I am doing fine in my classes, but it is a lot of undergrad-level jumping through hoops. My documentary exam was very straightforward on the material we�ve covered this far into the semester and I feel confident about my work. For my narrative paper (which is designed to analyze a particular theory in a particular work) I think I�ve set out an adequate plan to address the author�s concerns and point out potential pitfalls. I think I can handle the assignments and tasks that have been lobbed at me, but as far as cinematic literacy or breadth of knowledge about film in general, I am seriously lacking that spark of higher, higher education genius.
I grant myself some leeway because so much of this is brand new to me (it�s not like I have 10 undergrad classes or a major, or a related thesis to draw on) but there are times when we watch a film as a grad student unit, and I just don�t have anything particularly insightful to add to an impromptu discussion as the screening breaks up. I know that I am not the only person who has ever felt this way (lots of other people in the program picked up the discipline late and then played catch-up) but it is a terrible, insecure feeling just the same. I am at a loss for those thoughtful questions in class and whatever expertise I have in various other disciplines (architecture, rando political things, art, or museums) isn�t immediately appropriate to a discussion, an example, about Rear Window.
This afternoon, I watched Murnau�s Sunrise, for the first time. An interesting story goes to this � so today, in our weekly colloquium session, we were lucky enough to see a newly restored print of this silent film classic. The screening was introduced by two of the guys who worked closely on the restoration (one preservationist from 20th Century Fox Films and the other is a UW grad who now heads up preservationist activity for the Academy of Arts and Sciences, the Oscar people). They talked about the technical processes and their working methods � it was a very good and engaging talk. In the end, they ended up giving this lovely print, essentially the finest in existence, to the department. Until recently, the film was not available on DVD and I am not sure how available it was on video. And although it is at the top of many of film class favorite list, I hadn�t seen it nor would I have ever likely seen it outside of academia. Others said, upon leaving, that they had seen this film more than any other. Until today, I hadn�t seen it, discussed it, or even know anything particularly fascinating about it. And aside from holding off on grad school and taking classes piecemeal, I would have gone on in ignorance (shy of coming here).
I am not entirely comfortable with this arrangement. It all has a strange irony, circular logic, about it � I don�t know enough to be in film school. I need to get over this at some point, because realistically, it is hard to ever see enough where one would feel comfortable in any given context, never mind know something profound and interesting about any possible film plucked from the heavens. I feel like I just need the �Hooked on Phonics� guide to improving your cinematic literacy in three weeks. I don�t even have three weeks. You have to start somewhere though� I am just glad that I don�t have to worry about losing my funding when they realize that I am eager, yet wholly inexperienced and unqualified.
This whole matter poses a strange identity-crisis as well � for the past few years I can confidently say that, in some circles, I came across as an expert who was capable to speak on a number of matters with a degree of eloquence and expertise. Now, I am just this bumbling ignorant who is forced to listen more than talk in fear of saying the wrong thing, a banal thing, or just lacking something of substance to share. Quietness doesn�t quite fit me right � but too often recently, it is the hat I�ve been forced to wear.
Eh, to do something on this paper before bedtime� this weekend will be entirely dedicated to a kind of dedication I might have forgotten how to summon up at a moment�s notice � the 10-15 page paper due, imminently.
posted by lmjasinski at 10:16 AM
