Love Will Tear Us Apart
One giddy night of drunkenness later... I quickly got over my reunion hangover on a rather unexciting drive to NY to see my relatives. Upon reading my posts from last night, I was tempted to erase them, but that seems to violate some unspecified rule of decency or honesty or whatever. All in all, the reunion was good and it just seemed to go downhill when the reunion broke up, we knew that we were out money (no good deed goes unpunished - after all the planning and garbage, we still end up shelling out close to $100 each), grumpily we switched from beer to gin and tonics, and as I said, we ended up going to some sex-type club with a bunch of high school guys... one of the girls in our class, who now looks like a B-rate rap star with pink hair and a uber-short mini skirt is a bartender at the sex club and gave us comp tickets and free pitchers of beer... what a weird experience (the dance floor at this place, with drunk SWHSers and just plan random club goers was surreal and never worth repeating or mentioning again). The reunion was nice, I enjoyed seeing the people who came and everyone seems happy and secure, and it's true, everyone looks the same... although I did exclaim "oh my gosh, you look like a real grown-up," to one former classmate (begrudgingly, he told me that I looked like a real grown-up too). Came home, wrote some drunken emails and had an IM conversation with O'Shea that I don't remember. Informally, I am stating for the record that I want nothing to do with the 10yr.
Today we spent the day with the NY relatives... it was a nice visit, but I think I am just about holiday'd out and family'd out. It's too bad because for the most part I enjoy my family's company, but I've had a large dose of them as of late. Especially now, I've gotten more accustomed to being on my own and since my life in Wisconsin is both familiar, but largely unknown to them, I find myself telling the same three anecdotes time and time again at my mother's nagging prodding. But today, between the hangover and the lack of sleep and the constant company and lack of breathing space or privacy, I think I've just about reached my quota for quality time with the fam. Thankfully, I am leaving town tomorrow to go up to Boston... I need a few days away from home. I am still somewhat tentative about my New Year's plans - so this trip might be quick or it might go through the end of the year. I think either way, I'll just follow my gut instinct and do what feels right and what I feel like doing. I have been promised an epic party from some old Middlebury cohorts - and no matter what, one night of drinking with Aaron and Justin always reassures whatever fears or anxieties I have - they always prove to me that the good things never change (that much).
I think I completely mis-read this break, or just had far-fetched and unrealistic expectations. I kept saying that a month would feel like such a long time and I barely imagined what I would do to keep myself busy. Now, a week into the break, I feel like I haven't had so much as a minute to really be on break. At first I was working a lot, but in spite of that, even my visits have been abruptly short. Katie and I just got together for coffee before the reunion, but otherwise, we've just been passing company (I am excited for our car trip to Boston tomorrow, if nothing else, so we can catch up better). Even today, I felt like I only had a few hours to catch up an action-packed six months with my favorite Aunt. I rented all of these movies from the library and I still haven't finished
Happy Times, a Zhang Yimou movie I was very excited to watch, never mind the others. As per usual, I haven't read as much as I've wanted to, and in fact, I haven't even slept very much - maybe New Year's in Vermont, completely removed, is exactly what I need. I'll decide tomorrow or the day after and wing it from there.
In any case, after New Year's, I'll only have two weeks left and I am sure it won't lack things to keep me busy. I really do feel like my life is elsewhere now, so being here has that strange, vaguely purgatory sense about it... It's given me many things to think about for the summer. I know that I can get a decent-paying job here and also save some expenses by living at home (free food, access to a car, no bills...) but I don't know if I can keep dividing my time up, this mathematically, and expecting things to feel fluid, continuous, and unified. It's been this way for a while, at least through college, but it is also so strange to divide time with friendships and just be "absent" for a few months, willy nilly. I don't know, I am worn out and this is not the time to make any definitive decisions about my future.
posted by lmjasinski at 11:50 PM
