If You Have Nothing Nice to Say... Zip It.
Believe it or not, I have resolved to complain less and emphasize the good things - it's harder and harder to live up to this self-imposed doctrine on how to be a better person.
I feel like I am being tested. I get up early in the morning and it seems like I dodge bullets all day. My production class is insanely technical and I feel like I can't allow myself a moment's distraction, it's all seemingly important the info, machines, dials, readings, and settings never seem to start. If nothing else, it's building my appreciation of bad movies - even when a movie is bad, it's not like the light readings are terribly off and the picture is all garbled. Even when cuts are predictable or artless, they are always clean - it's not like an editor hacked up a scene and the picture suffers... at this stage in the game, it is more apparent than ever that I have no shot of ever succeeding in "the industry." The ironic thing is that I don't like Hollywood movies all that much - I think they are trite / unoriginal / formulaic, yet, I can't seem to crack the code and make a cheap, Chinatown copy. Blah, but this is a challenge. On the upside - tonight I watched
Gold Rush (an old silent film with Charlie Chaplin). It was a crappy 16mm print, but it's a goodie, I was really amused and thrilled by it. Maybe Arnheim was onto something...
It is nearly midnight, but I feel like I've been awake for days. I am nearly done grading my first batch of rough draft speeches for my class. It makes me long for last semester and, the group of students I affectionately called "my kids." We were riding high at the end of the fall and now, square one. It's hard to go back to scratch. It's hard to have to re-establish rapport, expectations, and even a tone in the classroom. It's too early to give up, but I think the chemistry was ALWAYS better last semester. Like so many other things in life - chemistry is either there, or it's not. I can hope to build up better relationships - but you just can't force or create it.
Additionally, it should come as no surprise, I am pegging myself as a short-term gal. I don't do well with these long boughts of involvement or commitment (dissertation will be a nightmare, I predict). Instead, I like the freshness of new semesters - out with the old, change things up - and discard after 13 weeks. Having taught a semester and gotten the knack of it, I feel ready to move on and try something else with my life. Going for novelty rather than longevity. I think that returning to that podium day after day, as the years collect, will prove challenging. At this stage, I really don't think this is what I want to do professionally (too much re-invention, some stability is really ideal, methinks), so I think it is harder to find the motivation and muster the genuine interest day in and day out for something that just feels essentially, like professional stagnation. Furthermore - I liked the fall because we were all NEW and figuring every day out together. As the calendar pages turn, I'll keep getting older, and my students stay roughly the same age and I think this will depress me. I am embarrassed to say that I spent a while, laying in bed last night, trying to figure out if I was 23 or 22 years old. I think I am 23, maybe more than sure. Just the same, some say that you are only as old as you feel, in which case, 23 seems about eight years too young. Four speeches left... And then I am done for a while & can go back to my readings. Why am I rushing to get the grading done, anyway?
posted by lmjasinski at 11:20 PM
