Look with your eyes, not with your hands.


Such a minute fraction of this life do we live: so much is sleep, tooth-brushing, waiting for mail, for metamorphosis, for those sudden moments of incandescence: unexpected, but once one knows them, one can live life in the light of their past and the hope of their future.



A grad student muses on her life, film, friends, politics, reality televizzle, and music.

 
I think that the long and short of it is... this phase of my life is over now.

I don't know what happenned - I was like a "way too energetic blogger" for a few years and then the energy slowly dwindled. Like many things in life, this was definitely something that started with a bang and ended with a whimper. I want to be the first to say that introspection is far from being a bad thing - but I think moderation is the key. I was an introspection addict, for ugh, most of my teenage years, straining into my twenties. Now, I think I've weaned myself off the introspection teat, as it were, and now I channel that seemingly boundless energy into other pursuits.

I think I've figured out many things about myself - the kind of things you feel, it's a kind of posture instead of quips and platitudes. My life feels less complicated than ever - chaulk it up to what I've learned in the Midwest - it's about good friends who know who they are and confident about what they want, and about knowing who I am and what I want, and being able to have work I enjoy to fill the time in between. It's about finding the right person to share my time with instead of spending all of that time alone in front of my computer and writing. I've learned (or accepted) that I change my mind a lot - but I've settled into a nice groove where I am confident about steering the path ahead, even if it may only last two years. It doesn't need much more thought or attention.

I've been keeping a journal from the fourth grade until only recently (when it turned into a blog). I think I did this for fear of forgetting what I did, or felt, or thought. I wanted there to be evidence - I wanted to leave more than a trace. The fear of forgetting is less tangible now -- maybe I just give myself and my memory more credit, or I am okay forgetting the things that bear forgetting. I had a lot of energy bound up in this process and now, I've just found different outlets that get the job done just as effectively. I am happy. I am fulfilled. I have less to gripe about in an open forum. My gripes are private now - as they probably always should have been, but now, I get that.

So that's that... I probably won't have much else to write on this thing. Sometimes I used this blog to rant about politics, or review movies, or just to complain about stupid people and their annoying behaviors. But more often I used this as a slate to post my goals, revise them, and burn a lot of spare energy. Keeping that in mind, this blog served me well, but I am over it. For those of you who still check periodically to see what I have to say... sorry to dissappoint. This was always a channel for me, excuse the vanity or the accusisation of voyeurism on your part. I am done with it. if it's possible - I've become even more selfish and hopefully a little less pathetic.

You know where to find me.

posted by lmjasinski at 12:34 PM

 
It's been ages, but today, I feel like a work machine. I've revived a tradition of old - going to the computer lab and sitting down in front of a nice, big screen to go to work and not look up until I've broken ground on the three big papers that will make or break the semester -- my head is a swim with Mizoguchi stylistics, Almodovar plot construction, and Nazis at Warner Bros. Today needs to be a big day.

posted by lmjasinski at 10:36 AM

 
Why I Love the Blue States

Our department coordinator has a printer on her desk that bears a sticker saying "George Bush is a chump-ass bitch." I think that about sums it up, but it's great.
posted by lmjasinski at 10:39 AM

 
It's been ages since I've written on this thing... since I am just sitting around and waiting to go to my screening of Tati's Playtime, the guilt has gotten the better of me. Nothing exciting to report lately - just pure routine, work, etc. Thanksgiving couldn't come soon enough. I haven't been home in almost 9 months and it feels like an eternity. The weekends haven't brought much lately - just work, watching Ozu and German movies...

So time for a vacation.

posted by lmjasinski at 1:56 PM

 
I think I had a cold of the conscience. I was wholled up in my apartment all weekend sniffling and feeling "foggy" - and while I certainly had physical symptoms, I think this condition was brought on by a general sense of "being behind" that has been a problem this semester. So I stayed in, I worked on research papers and feel more caught up than usual. This isn't the first time this has happened, but sometimes when you stop and take a closer look of what you actually have to do, you end up making more work for yourself. Just the same, I feel like I have direction now (more direction than I had a week ago). The plan is to focus most of my energy into my term papers, even at the expense of skimming weekly readings. I need to log some serious time on the microfiche machine reading old issues of Variety from the 1930s and I need to become an expert on Japanese avant-garde art movements, but hopefully, this work will have a big pay-off in the end.

Eric gave me a wonderful present today - it's a book called "Introducing Postmodernism." It has humorous little cartoons and little one-page summaries of things like structuralism and semiotics. It's totally awesome. If I ever have to make a course-pack on this kind of thing, you better believe I am using this book for much needed comic relief between articles by Jameson and Derrida. I'm such a dork, but this book is totally awesome.

I am working on a lot of things simultaneously at the moment, but I think I am ready for the week ahead and trying for a big puch before Thanksgiving break. We'll see, huh?

For the record, I haven't seen The Incredibles yet, although I really, really want to. So refrain talking about it in front of me. I am torturing Patrick making him wait too - so we can see it together in CT. Maybe with a double-feature of the new Bridget Jones, if I play my cards right...
posted by lmjasinski at 1:36 PM

 
I just can't believe this - it's actually unbelievable.

Maybe I am biased because I spent this election season in a swing state and smack in the middle of Kerry country. At the very least, it made me see what is really necessary to win a race - non-stop political ads, supporters, phones ringing off the hook, people knocking down my door to make sure I went out and voted. Just the same - yesterday at 5pm - this city was a completely flurry of Kerry signs, honking drivers, signs, stickers, buttons and students lined up to vote. If this isn't enough - I don't know what is. How is it at all possible that Bush controls so much of the country and 11 states are willing to step up and legalize discrimination.

An old Middlebury pal, Andrew, was in town and we watched the miserable returns together last night. He thinks it's time for another Hartford Convention in which the New England States get together and discuss secession from the Union. Maybe the War of 1812 wasn't enough to warrant rogue behaviors like this - but certainly, in this day and age, it's worth revisiting the topic.

While watching the election returns, my roommate chimed the brilliant line, "I only pray during haircuts and presidential elections."

It occured to me today that the Democratic platform is strikingly like the Canadian way of living. State-run healthcare, cheap drugs, better pensions for the old, reasonable basic social freedoms, and a foreign policy based on commonsense and allies... maybe there is more truth to this "I am moving to Canada" mantra than we all realized.

America, we totally shit the bed on this one.

Big test tomorrow... but finding it very hard to concentrate and memorize the Hollywood studio heads and personnel.
posted by lmjasinski at 3:05 PM

 
get out there and vote kids, vote often if necessary.
posted by lmjasinski at 7:37 AM

 
I am in a fog and I have no one to blame but the Yankees. Even I have fallen under the spell of this incredibly addictive and exciting - constant sudden death series. While I usually don't care too much about baseball, I've become a solid Yank in the past few days. New York has a much classier franchise than those long-haired Frat Boy stoner Sox. I wish I could look away, but I am completely sucked in and want to see the Yankees mop the floor with the Beantown Brats. Reverse the curse - ha!

There seems to be some mean cosmic forces at play on my body this week - and it's not just me. Many of my friends have complained about sleeping poorly or having extra-vivid dreams. Just the same, I feel tired and less than sharp. I hope this blows over soon.

I have lots of grading to do, but I hope to get this batch done tonight (my students take an exam tomorrow, so that means MORE grading). It just never ends. The good news is that my advisor's wife had a healthy baby on Sunday and as a result, he understandably cancelled class, but it's a welcome reprieve.

My family finalized our Xmas present this week. My family (+ the boyfriends) are all headed to Disneyworld in chilly January. It should be great fun - I am especially excited for this new fancy Safari that Disney opened recently. I am already itching for sunshine and Mickey Mouse. But alas, January still seems very far off.
posted by lmjasinski at 6:58 PM

 
Spent my weekend like a foolish teeny-bopper partying like a rock star - for no good reason. After Friday night's very good Ozu double header (the most consistent program yet), I ventured out into the cold Wisconsin night with some of my grad school compatriots. We polished off an impressively sad number of PBR pitchers and then went to another bar to unofficially crash a non-date/date of another friend. Closed the place down and after that, still not satisifed, brought back friends to my apartment where we ate partially frozen fish sticks and Eric spilled 1/2 a bottle of three buck Chuck on my kitchen floor at quarter to 4 in the morning.

I have certainly felt worse in my life, but Saturday I paid the price for a night of craziness. I spent most of the day having ad headache, lounging in my pajamas suffering through Vincente Minelli's Gigi - of which, I have to do a rather detailed assignment to do for class.

Then Mark and I cleaned up the old apartment, Eric came over and we went shopping for the little get-together we had planned (before the Friday night debaucherie). We made snacks, ingredients for gin punch, and bought the makings of a beer bong - yeah, we're cool like that. We had about 20 people over the course of the evening - and it was fun, but I was tired and kind of under-the-weather. The guests stayed late making two nights in a row of compromised sleep. In actuality, it's becoming the part of the semester where I don't have the time for gallavanting and irresponsibility, but I am trying to make up for that today. My goal is to get my weekly reading done today, send out a conference abstract, and free up the rest of my time during the week to go to the libary and the historical society archives to work on my term papers, one of which I don't even have a very good topic for. Tonight, I am introducing the German film at 7... sounds like a real uplifting one - The Plot to Assasinate Hitler, so in part, it just feels like a wasted weekend. Amazingly, it's already half-way through the semester - not sure where the time really went and not sure what to do for my papers. I guess the scarier thing is that I haven't even begun to think about my comprehensive exams yet (April) and in an ideal world, I'd be able to get everything done for class now and even look over old notes or outline a book or two... but sadly, it's just not happenning.

posted by lmjasinski at 2:53 PM

 
Same old, same old, boys & girls...

As always, having a harder time than I should sitting down to concentrate on this Monday afternoon. Had a wonderful weekend away, giving my batteries a re-charge with Patrick in Chicago for the weekend. He treated me to a most magnificent fancy-dancy at Rick Bayless's Topolobambo, one of the finest meals I've ever had. I'd highly recommend it, next time you are feeling rich and decadent.

Then Saturday, we spent the day in the dark - literally from 2:30 - after 10pm watching movies at the Chicago Film Festival. We saw two amazing movies - Angelopoulos's Trilogy: The Weeping Meadow and Kore-eda's Nobody Knows, two of the best of the best out there in the world today, from Greece and Japan respectively. We also saw Godard's latest (and hardly his greatest) called Notre Musique. Patrick says it best when he says that Godard is a director of great moment, not great films. Just the same, great movies, comfy seats and a nice big screen. It's what I needed.

Otherwise, I think that everyone should spend a crisp fall weekend in a city sometime soon. Chicago has much prettier leaves than Wisconsin and when it's chilly, it's nice to have an excuse to walk extra close to someone you are fond of. As always, it's fun to take mass transit, do a little shopping, browse in a fantastic bookstore and see Frank Lloyd Wright's Robie House.

It's been ages since I've written - but suffice it to say - that I've saved you from having to read my laundry-list of whiney complaints. Basically, it's too early in the semester to be this tired, discontent, and disillusioned. But alas, it is in fact, possible. I don't know what to write my final paper about, I still haven't unlocked any secret interest in Hollywood as an industry or as a maker of films. Days go by... I am trying to take them one at a time and most times, I just wish I was in some other place doing some other thing. Teaching is a bore and a chore. I still have some long term projects (proposals, conference papers) that remain on the interminable "to-do" list, but I need stricter deadlines that force me to get my butt in gear.

Anyway, I still I need to plant myself in a coffeeshop or the library and not emerge until progress has been made - articles read, speech drafts collected, or the like...
posted by lmjasinski at 1:23 PM